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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119674">A half-empty girl</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/maanorchidee'>maanorchidee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Closure, Communication, Gen, Healing, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Relationship Discussions, Sexuality Crisis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:06:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119674</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/maanorchidee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Agatha and Simon finally have a moment to talk about everything that’s happened. It’s painful, but needed, and it might help Simon and Baz on the long run.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A half-empty girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So. I still suck at summaries. I had this prompt and then I wrote it in one day. I just really hope that Agatha gets closure. She’s grown so much and she’s had enough. The title is from Paramore’s Rose-Colored Boy. The next line is “Don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke”. That song is just my CO/WS jam.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>AGATHA</strong>
</p>
<p></p><div class="">
<p></p><div class=""><p>We’re all in Penny and Simon’s flat. This is the first time that I’m here and seeing all the empty crisp packets and empty cans in the bin says more about the past year than anything else. I don’t comment on it though. </p></div><div class=""><p>Everyone’s a bit of a mess. My dad is talking with Penny and Shepard about the curse that he apparently has hanging over him. Penny’s mother is sitting in a corner, typing rapidly. She has had a lot to say, but now she’s just documenting everything for the Coven.</p></div><div class=""><p>Simon and Baz are standing in another corner and they’re talking. It looks like they’re fighting. I cannot hear a word that they’re saying, but Simon looks very unhappy and Baz just looks annoyed while he talks.</p></div></div><div class="">
  <p>At one point, Baz sees me looking.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Ah, Wellbelove,” he says, loud enough for me to hear it, “Please, help me out.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I feel like a deer caught in headlights and I curse myself when I start walking towards them. Simon is not looking at me.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Wellbelove,” Baz draws out my name, “I need your help with our relationship.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon quickly shoots Baz a confused look before looking back at his feet. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Now, I know that they’re dating. It was quite the gossip in the World of Mages when it was revealed. It was one of the last things I heard before leaving that world behind. While packing my stuff, I heard my mother talk about it over the phone with friends from the club.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Also, seeing them together in California made me realise that this is real. To the outside world, it can be easily ignored. But I had never seen Baz so content and, in a way, relaxed. And Simon was ready to die for him in that desert. There were subtle changes, but I saw them, even though I hadn’t seen these boys in a year.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Am I bothered by it? Honestly, I haven’t had time to unpack it. Simon and Baz are part of the World of Mages, so I left them behind as well. Or at least, that was the plan. I was never going to see Simon, Baz and Penny again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>(That didn’t work out, huh?)</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Snow here cannot seem to accept that I truly love him. Was he ever this stubborn with you?”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon looks up again, but this time in shock. I am also quite shocked by this direct approach, but maybe that’s what Baz is like. Simon then looks at me with wide eyes. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I feel very uncomfortable, but I answer: “Well, to be fair, I don’t think I- uh, I ever loved him.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Silence. Awkward.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I want to shove my fist into my mouth. That was such a terrible thing to say.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Jeez, thanks,” Simon eventually mutters.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz claps his hands. “Well, I thought it was time to resolve our relationship troubles, but it seems like you two need to fix whatever shit you have got going on first.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And then he just walks off. Classic. What a piece of shit. Penny and Simon might be friends with him now, but I still don’t know how to feel.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon is still looking at me. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Simon, I’m sorry. I didn’t- I mean, I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He shrugs.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It’s not that you are not lovable, it’s more that I just don’t...” I trail off. I think about Ginger. I think about all the confusion and feelings that I’ve been having in the past year. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Ags, are you giving me the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?” Simon jokes. I think he’s joking to conceal the fact that he’s sad. I think back to the crisp packets and empty cans. He must’ve been sad for a long time.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>We’re the same, aren’t we? Our lives have gone in an opposite direction with him losing magic and me running away from it, but we’re both not okay. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I hate it, though. I am trying so hard to leave the World of Mages behind, but I can’t. Simon didn’t have a choice and now he’s floating between both worlds, not really belonging anywhere. I wish I could give him my magic. It’s not much, but it’s something. This way, I can leave and he can stay. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>So much has happened between the two of us.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Maybe Baz has the right idea. We don’t have to fix whatever relationship we had, since, well, what kind of relationship was that? But we haven’t resolved anything. I just ran away, but the past few days have shown me that I cannot do that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon is still looking at me. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It is a shitty excuse, isn’t it?” I finally say.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I did love you, you know?” Simon admits.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I nod. I knew that. I think that’s one of the main reasons I let it continue for so long, even though I knew it was going nowhere. Pity is a strong feeling. That, and a part of me had accepted that this was ‘meant to be’. I was meant to be the pretty girl on the sideline, waiting for the hero to come back to her. I was meant to be the prize at the end of the road. Simon’s never seen me like that, but so many others did. I believed it as well.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I loved you too,” I say back, “But not in the way people wanted me to. I grew up with you. You were my silly brother to watch Doctor Who with. You groaned when I had to drag you along to races. That’s it.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Oh.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And I didn’t know what else to do. My mind goes back to the confusion. I wish I could’ve kissed Ginger. But I was so caught up in the idea of what was ‘supposed to happen’ that I never actually took my time to let myself feel.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I hated our relationship,” I admit, “I didn’t hate you. I didn’t hate <em>dating </em>you. I hated what our relationship meant and stood for.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I fully expect Simon to ask for an explanation, but to my surprise he says: “Yeah, that makes sense.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It does?”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>No one ever tells me that I make sense. My parents never did. Penny constantly made me feel dumb. I wasn’t even the best mage at school. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I hadn’t even thought of it like that,” Simon says and it looks like he’s staring into space, but I follow his gaze and I see that he’s looking at Baz. Baz is sitting on the sofa, staring at his phone. He tries to look bored and unimpressed, but he’s probably dying to know more about Simon.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>They’re dating. Yup, it is weird. I guess it’s time for me to finally think about that. Am I bothered by it?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Thought of what?” I ask Simon.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon doesn’t take his eyes off Baz. “How much of the love I felt for you was real. Did I love you for real, or did I love you as a sister, but with me being under the impression that it was romantic? I really did love you once, like that, but all the time? Was I still in love with you in our last year? I don’t know.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“We never had time to figure it out,” I say. We were too busy with the war and everything that came with it. “I think we were both holding on to something familiar.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“When I first kissed him, I wondered how long I had wanted that. He’s apparently been in love with me since our fifth year. I wonder how long I have loved him.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Oh, we’re going there? </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Yup, we’re going there. Simon and Baz are in love.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz doesn’t notice that we’re staring at him. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Simon, are you gay?” I ask.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He shrugs. “I don’t know.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You don’t?”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I don’t,” he affirms, “You’d think that I would’ve figured it out by now. I’ve had a year to realise whether or not I still like girls. I think I do. Hence the whole part where I loved you, but, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know anything about myself, I suppose. I never had the space to get to know myself.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s like I’m listening to my own thoughts. He’s putting it into words. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I nod. “You spent years of your life not even knowing that there was a possibility, so when you do, you’re so thrown off guard and you try to look back on your life to see where it’s-”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Gone wrong?” he finishes.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“... Yes.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>We really are the same.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I don’t have to explain myself here. We both understand that what we’re feeling isn’t necessarily wrong. It isn’t wrong that he likes men and maybe also women. It isn’t wrong that I maybe like no one. But it <em>feels </em>wrong, especially when you’re growing up not knowing that it was a possibilty. We were thrown into certain roles and breaking from them is stressful. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Well, I tried to break away by pursuing Baz, thinking <em>that </em>were the solution to my confusion. I thought that I just didn’t love Simon the way I was supposed to. I guess I don’t love anyone the way I was supposed to.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The ironic thing is that the boy I tried to leave my boyfriend for ended up dating my boyfriend. Simon got there first and he scooped Baz up.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I still don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t think I understand how these two opposites can attract.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>(Honestly, I don’t think I can understand any attraction.)</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon and I are standing there in comfortable silence. There’s a feeling of mutual understanding between us. For the first time since everything that has happened in the White Chapel, I feel a sense of peace about it all. Maybe I never should’ve run away. Maybe I should’ve faced my past head-first.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The crips packets and empty cans show me that he’s been running as well.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>We look at each other and there’s just mutual admiration in this moment. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Agatha Wellbelove,” Simon says and he smiles, “I’ve known you for years but I think this is the first time we really... <em>talked</em>.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Simon Snow, don’t go falling in love with me now. That ship has sailed,” I joke. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon snorts. It makes me freeze in shock. I can’t remember the last time I heard him laugh. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He doesn’t notice, though. He’s looking back at Baz.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Can’t do,” Simon says, “I already am in love with someone else. I have a boyfriend. Although I wonder how long that will last.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Oh. Right. That’s what started this whole conversation.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Talking to Simon has given me a feeling of catharsis. I had been avoiding it for so long, because I thought it would bring me pain, but it’s given me peace. They deserve that as well.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Hey Baz!” I call out and Simon instinctively pulls my sleeve to stop me. He’s too late, though. Baz looks at me and he raises an eyebrow. “Come over here!”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Agatha-”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz pockets his phone and he walks towards us, graceful as ever. He’s really had a glow up since our Watford days. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Wellbelove, I’ve been summoned. To what do I owe the pleasure?” he says. He speaks like we’re back in Watford. On the surface, it sounds condescending, since he draws out his sentences, but I think I know better now.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I think I might like him after all. If Penny can do it, then so can I.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You have been, Basil, and trust me, it’s in your best interest to listen,” I say in a similar tone.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He looks at me as if he’s never seen me before. It’s subtle, but I can see that he’s surprised. I think the two of us might get along fine if we get to know each other a bit better. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He thinks he is the only one who can hide behind snark and aloofness. He thinks he’s the only one who can hide between a façade of ‘I don’t care’. He is wrong.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz should’ve seen me in California. Well, before the whole vampire thing. They all should’ve seen me in California and how I live there. Sure, I just realised I can never run from the World of Mages, but I did find a new life.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>No one can fuck with me anymore. I’m choosing my own path. I’m going to show them.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon looks to me, then to Baz, then back to me. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Simon loves you. You love Simon. Case closed,” I say shortly. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“He literally just tried to break up with me,” Baz says.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“He- <em>Simon</em>!” I let out a long sigh and I look at him, aghast. Simon just spent a lot of time talking about how he’s in love with Baz. What the hell is all of this?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I just- you deserve better!” Simon says back to Baz, ignoring me.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“He’s been trying to break up with me ever since Las Vegas,” Baz says to me, “Claiming shit like that. You apparently never loved him, but I did.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Cute,” I say shortly. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon needs soft and tenderness in order to reach him. Baz needs directness and an edge to my voice. I can do both. I do thread thin water, since I am currently talking to both.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Part of me wonders if I should recruit Penny and turn this into a big intervention, but Penny has never been the emotional intelligent one. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Boys, as the girl who has dated one of you and who has tried to date the other one - both of those a mistake - can I just say that I don’t understand why you need my help.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“He’s the one who asked you!” Simon says.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz holds out his hands in defense and he smirks at me. I know it’s a defense mechanism to prevent him from showing his true feelings, but I’m going to wipe that smirk off his face.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yes, because he’s the one who lacks the emotional maturity to have a normal conversation with you,” I say to Baz.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Success.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz’s face changes slightly, but I can see him swallow and his eyebrow is raised slightly. Simon notices too.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“But Simon, so do you,” I say kindly.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon tries to protest, but I silence him by shaking my head.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And so do I,” I add.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Great, we all need therapy,” Baz says off-handedly.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I ignore him and I take Simon’s hand. He almost pulls back in surprise, but I grip his hand tightly. “Simon, you just told me that you’re in love with him. Have you ever told him that? Maybe it’s time to believe Baz when he tells you something. I know it’s hard for you after everything that’s happened. I get that.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><em>We’re the same</em>, I think.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I continue: “Don’t make assumptions on his behalf. Don’t break up with him because you think it’s best for him. Let yourself love him. Let yourself love life, damnit.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I think about all the fun I have living in California. I think about getting chai lattes with Ginger, eating takeaway taco’s after almost burning down my kitchen, going clothes shopping to prevent studying for finals, and how I finally had time to just have a normal life. Did I run from my trauma? Yes. Did the whole vampire thing give me a huge epiphany on life? Sure. But Merlin, I loved the moments where I could ignore everything that’s happened.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon looks uneasy, so I let him be so that he can think. I’m still holding his hand, but I turn to Baz.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And you,” I say sharply. Baz has his back up, he’s ready for me to destroy him. “I know it’s hard to watch him in pain. I know it’s difficult to make him believe you and that frustrates you. I know you very well understand why Simon’s acting this way and you don’t want to push him, but how are you?”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon grips my hand even tighter. Baz blinks a couple of times. He’s absolutely dumbfounded. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“How are you, Basil?” I ask. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baz tries to speak, but nothing comes out. I wonder how many people ask him how he’s actually doing. Simon doesn’t talk to him at all and Penny probably ignores all the problems. I don’t know how his family relations are and I wonder if he has any other friends.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I suddenly have an idea that comes straight from a rom-com. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Part one: I use my free hand to take Baz’s. He tenses up, but I insist. Right now, I’m quite literally in the middle. I didn’t ask for this, but here we are.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Part two of my rom-com idea: I step away, so that I am no longer in the middle. I am holding both their hands, but I put Simon’s hand on Baz. I pull away, make a peace sign, and step out of this conversation. Literally.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I don’t know what Baz expected from me. He only needed me as a buffer. What as I supposed to do here? I am just as fucked up as the both of them. Still, I think I have achieved something here.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>As I back away, I look over my shoulder. The two of them are looking at their joined hands as if they’re looking at something alien. Merlin, the two of them have a lot to figure out.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Are they- are they holding hands?” Penny asks when I pass her. It’s kind of sad that this small act of affection shocks everyone so much. They love each other so deeply, but they just suck at expressing it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I can hardly speak about emotional maturity and well-being and whatever, but I think this is going somewhere. They needed a push and I have given them one. But I’ve had enough. I’ve done my part, again. Now, I can focus on my own shit.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Why is happiness so difficult?” Penny asks herself. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I wish I knew,” I answer, even though she didn’t want my reaction.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Simon and Baz have started talking. They no longer seem sad and annoyed, but there’s a long road ahead for them.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“But I still believe we’ll get there one day,” Penny mumbles, “We will be happy. One day.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I think about what it will mean to me to semi-return to my past. I think about my confusion and feelings. I think about my road ahead of me. Yet, I smile.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yeah, one day.”</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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